One year on

 One year on from my diagnosis I received from the meeting I had with Prof.Winter. To say I expected what he had to say was an understatement, yes I realised it was cancer and on my tongue. What I didn't expect was the options or lack of them and the complexity of what I would go through.

1. Chemo not going to work

2. Radiotherapy I couldn't have as I had already had it in my neck and a potential major risk of blowing up my carotid artery

3. Immunotherapy - they were going to check but weren't expected it to be an option

4. Robotic surgery - They didn't believe this would work as the tumour was large and in a complicated place - but referred me to the Marsden

It came down to "open surgery" and I have covered most of this already in this blog, it is still fresh in my memory, arduous at best for want of a better word!

But the real light bulb moment was the "if you do nothing, we can provide palliative care and you may last a year". Having had cancer before you do realise you are no longer immortal, but this really hit home - one year, 12 months, 365 days, 8760 hours - it suddenly does not sound that long, especially when you still have loads to do.

I chose the option to stay in this world, have the surgery, put my trust in the surgical team and once through it see what lies ahead.

I had the operation in June 2025, to all intents and purposes it has been a success, I am still here, it plays through my mind everyday, but far more positive now than back in June - how long do I have who knows, in fact who knows how long any of us have, but what I do know is that I will fight everyday to be here, to enjoy and help my family, watch them grow into the amazing people that they are

It has been all quiet for a while

 Well not really for any specific reason, but just been really concentrating on trying to feel well, eat normally and start to build my life as back to normal as I can.

It seems strange saying that, after all I don't really know what the new normal is or should be, what I do know is that a year ago next week I was given a year to live if I did nothing and the fact I am still here, and getting back strength and health is a great achievement. Life saving surgery, the pain and agony you go through its definitely all worth it, when you see your daughter marry, another of my daughters having our fourth grandchild and to look forward later this year to my son getting married, all of which could have been through such a different lens - if I had done nothing, so you have to do something, fight to live, enjoy your life.

These are easy things to actually say, but putting into practice is not so easy. I have found recovery far more difficult than I expected. The surgery and the "repair" of this I think is the easy part, yes you have difficult moments as with all surgery, but the body has a remarkable way of recovering this, yes I am left with scars, but actually in some ways I am glad as this is a constant reminder of why I fought this and will always remain in my thoughts.

The harder part is the mental thinking of recovery, yes I can put on a brave face and say everything is good, of course, and most of the time as you feel better this is true, as I eat a more varied diet now that my "fifth limb" being my PEG tube has been removed this has progressed well, but I still find chewing a challenge, even though my teeth feel better it is like re-learning to eat, swallowing again much better, but still have a few challenges.

I have always thought my mental health has been strong, and again most of the time I think it is, but, you definitely have these dark moments which are triggered by all sorts of things, not being able to eat something properly, thinking your family ignore you when they don't, my wife saying something that is not bad and generally helpful but feel you take it the wrong way, stupid things kick off these thoughts, which as well lead (well for me) into dark dreams. I used to have this constant dream or nightmare that I was in a trench somewhere it's pouring down with rain and having to move out and face the enemy (I don't even know who that enemy is - maybe its cancer?), so I got ChatGPT to give me an image of this and apart from me not being in combat dress it probably resonates very well with where I am sometimes

I try and counter this by keeping busy, but even this doesn't work some of the time, so I find I have a very standard routine, when I would rather be living life to the full! I can't travel as much, its to tiring, I don't really want to get on trains as they are to busy so I don't travel to London, when I should just do it to break the monotony, I want to ride my motorbike, but I worry that my focus may not be right, plus the weather has been shit!

So, I find myself, working from home, calls on Teams, walking my lovely dogs, have a dark hot chocolate in Gail's and at least now having golf lessons, watching my local rugby team play (and win) unlike the crap football team I support - although to be honest I can't say for much longer as the enjoyment of football for me has gone - the greed seems to override everything in the game these days, and then of course buying shit I don't need.

So, change is afoot - I have decided the only way to sell my wellbeing application is to meet customers face to face, get out on the golf course and not just go to the driving range, start to travel again, make my days special even if its only a small thing.

One year on from diagnosis and I am still here, that in itself has been an amazing journey, with a lot off dark roads and dead ends that I could have ended down. I am now driving down the straight road of living my life and this year it will be to the full, already done Dubai, played golf with my good friend there, back there in June (hopefully), Cornwall at Easter, Italy in May, celebrating my brother-in-laws 60th on the South Downs, Cornwall for my sons wedding at the end of August, playing more golf again, getting my bike out and hopefully finally finishing the restoration of my Series 3 Land Rover, so loads to do 😊

Best wishes to all, enjoy living, stay healthy but most important have fun especially with your family and friends

Take care until the next time 💝